Friday 28 November 2008

my kid's story

I need a bit of feedback on this manuscript I've written for the text in my childrens book.. it's not finished yet, in fact I'm not sure how to end it! Any comments will be gladly recieved :)
Bear in mind there will be images telling half of the narrative if it sounds a little basic!

Pages 1 and 2. There is a forest at the bottom of my garden. It is haunted. It is not haunted by ghosts – ghosts do not exist. It is haunted by real horrors. I know this because I have seen them.

3 and 4. I have the best view of the forest from my bedroom window. At night when everyone is sleeping I sit on the windowsill and wait. When the moon rises, the forest horrors begin to stir.

5 and 6. Come on, I'll show you. I'm not scared. Are you?

7 and 8. Down through the garden, over the lawn, past the beans and cabbages, past Dad's potting shed and the greenhouse, past my old broken toys lying in a sad heap in the moonlight, under the elderberry tree and over the crumbling wall...

9 and 10. ...into the forest.

11 and 12. Ready? Stamp the ground! Shake the branches! Wade through brambles! SHOUT OUT LOUD to disturb the slumbering beasts!

Nothing.

13 and 14. Maybe I can wake the weed witch in the pond.

Still nothing!

15 and 16. Maybe they'll see my torch through the trees and come running.

Nope!

17 and 18. Looks like we'll have to come back another day.

Wait a minute...what's that noise?

19 and 20. What's that snuffling and scuffling? What's that dragging and rustling? What's that growling and groaning?
What's that...

21 and 22. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!


That's it so far. Hope you're all a little scared, that's the idea!
Naomi

3 comments:

Jellysock said...

Maybe mention some more monsters, and at the end all the monsters he mentioned are looking at him or something?
I dunno, I quite like what you've got so far! Sounds like a very creepy kids book :)

Jellysock said...

Or it's something silly he sees, like a little mouse?

naomi said...

Thanks beckie, yeah I was going to have monsters just in the images but maybe I should mention them in the text! Maybe that will give the story more rhythm.
Nay